A DISCUSSION OF MOM GUILT BY AN OLD MOM

My idea of Mom Guilt is pretty common sense. I understand it.

A mom feels guilty that she has to work and drop her kids off at daycare.

A mom feels guilty when she is so tired at the end of the work day, she doesn’t feel like cooking, so she makes a meal of hot dogs and potato chips.

A mom feels guilty that she runs out of time to fold all the laundry for a family of 5, so everyone has to dig through the clean clothes pile for something to wear.

A mom feels guilty when she has to go out of town and leave the kids with the dad because he doesn’t have a clue.

A mom feels guilty when she wants to relax with a glass of wine at 9:00 pm, but the sink is full of dishes.

A mom feels guilty when she just wants to sleep in a little bit on a Saturday, but her son has a 9:00 am soccer game. Then she feels guilty because she resents having to get up early on a Saturday to make sure his duffle bag is packed, and he can find his uniform and cleats, and she can drive 45 minutes to the field to get him there on time.

A mom feels guilty when she’s running late so he’s late.

All of the experts say to take care of yourself or you won’t be able to take care of everyone else, but we moms feel guilty about doing that. How can you take an hour to go for a walk when the toddler needs a bath or the middle schooler needs help with homework or there’s a band concert to attend for your oldest?

The kids want to have friends over, but the house is messy. The mom feels guilty.

The kids want pizza for dinner for a change, but the mom can’t afford it, and she feels guilty.

Kids want mom to come to their dance recital, but the mom has a plane to catch, so she feels guilty.

All moms want to raise happy, healthy, productive kids. The guilt really builds when the mom thinks the missed recital or not buying the expensive pizza will ruin their kids. That’s not the case at all. Kids understand a missed recital or not being able to afford pizza better than most moms think they do. Kids are resilient and more forgiving and understanding than we give them credit for. All kids want is to be loved and cared for . Kids want to feel loved and wanted most of all. A mom can give them that even if they have to work, or don’t cook a 4 course dinner.

It’s interesting to me that most dads just don’t feel the same guilt. Dads think nothing of going to play a round of golf selfishly with their buddies and not going to their child’s soccer game. They also don’t feel the belief that missing their child’s soccer game for a selfish game of golf is somehow going to “scar the kid for life.” They don’t feel guilty at all denying something because of the cost. “We can’t afford that” was a common statement from my own dad growing up with no remorse at all. I’m not an expert in this field, but it just seems like men are not wired to feel guilt like women. I wish I knew why.

The moms of my mom’s generation apparently didn’t have this mom guilt either. My mom never felt guilty over not being room mom every year for my elementary school class, even though she didn’t work full time. My mom never felt guilty about missing my band competitions. And it wasn’t just my mom. No one’s mom felt the same guilt we feel now. Unfortunately, my mom passed away before I could talk to her about mom guilt and why it wasn’t a thing for her generation. If you have an older mom, ask her about it. Maybe she can give you some insight.

In the meantime, if you are looking for a way to ease the mom guilt, here are my suggestions. Just remember I am not an expert, but I am an old mom. 1) forgive yourself. Don’t let the guilt eat you alive. You’re doing the best you can; 2) talk to the child about the issue. Make sure that the child feels loved and cared for and wanted even if you miss the game, recital or concert. These things together will go a long way for moms.

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